Thursday, February 16, 2012

A Random Story Written on Toilet Paper

Along with the two stories that I shared in my last two posts, there was this, written on toilet paper. I'll copy the whole thing below. It's exactly as was written, and gets a little different towards the end. Keep in mind, I was at university at the time, so who knows what frame of mind I was in...

Toilet paper notes: It actually isn't that hard to write on toilet paper. Once the pen starts to move, and your thoughts start to flow, the hardest part will probably end up being coping with the impressions left on the sheets underneath or perhaps the fact of re-rolling the roll once it's finished.
Someone (probably herself) was once telling me that Cate had written a letter on a roll of toilet paper for Matt. I have often toyed with the idea myself, and now is my first attempt. It 'tis a very curious feeling writing like this. It'll take some getting used to. Perhaps next time I should use thicker toilet paper, as this one ply stuff feels a little soft, thin and spongy.
Experimentation seems to be in order.


Once upon a time in a land just over the horizon lived a good and fair king. He lived in a big castle with his wife and his beautiful young daughter.
When the time for his daughter to get married came around, the king sent word all around the kingdom so that all the brave young men would come to see his daughter and ask for her hand in marriage.
Fine young men came from many lands to wed the beautiful princess. The king looked at them, and one after  one he would turn them away, finding a flaw with each.
After all the men had been seen, only two men remained. The king could not decide which one should marry the princess, so he decided that he would give them a set of tasks to complete. The one who passed the most tasks would marry the princess.
The first suitor was a good and kindly prince. He very much loved the princess and wanted to marry her. She loved him as well, but could say nothing as her father had to choose her husband.
The second suitor was an evil man. But he was very cunning. He did not love the princess, but wanted to marry her so he could get all her money, and one day rule the kingdom. The princess hated the evil suitor.
The first test that the king set was to present each suitor with a large sum of money to leave and not marry his daughter.
The good prince turned the money down, as he cared not for the money, as he loved the princess very much.
The evil suitor turned the money down also, as he knew that he could have it once he married the princess.
The king set a second test, but the evil suitor could contain himself no longer. He pulled out an Israeli sub-machine gun and slew the king, the good prince, and took the beautiful princess.
The princess said she would never marry the evil suitor, so he raped her and then sacrificed her to a Pagan God for the powers of the occult. The evil suitor decimated the kingdom and leveled the planet, joining the Pagan God as his one true son.
The planet was soon repopulated by foul demons, and the Pagan God lived in ecstasy for eternity.


What a lovely story! Would you like to hear a poem? Yes? Well fuck-off! I don't do requests!

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